Friday, 30 December 2016

2016 - A Reflection

I've written this, drafted it, posted it, deleted it and now I'm here.


2016 - the big one. The year that everyone hates. It's presumptuous to believe that everyone's 2016 has been bad due to the shit storm of the political landscape and the tragic deaths of much loved public figures. For many people it's much more personal and runs a little deeper.

I can't think of 2016 as all bad, this was the year I found myself shortlisted out of 10,000 for best beauty influencer in the cosmopolitan influencer awards, something I wouldn't have dreamed of happening in a million years. It's the year I fell in love, not with a man, but with makeup. I finally feel as though I've found a calling that I love completely and there is no life problem that a few hours sat at my dressing table doesn't help me forget for a little while.

Whilst it had its high points, the latter end of 2016 has not been the best. In 2015 after the breakdown of my four year relationship I found myself having to start all over again and promised myself that 2016 would be a new and independent beginning.

I got a new job, moved to a new town and got a place all by myself. After living with someone who told me how I should act, eat, dress, decorate and everything else in between for so long having my very own space felt amazing, I could finally find myself again.

What started off as refreshing finally started to calm as reality set in. As you get older it's seemingly harder to make friends. You're not forced into situations and have to scope them out for yourself.

I spent evenings alone in my flat and on weekends I found myself often not leaving the house, only gaining human interaction when I finally got to go back into work on the Monday. Whilst the new and forcefully independent me wanted to refuse to believe it, I was beginning to feel lonely.

To make matters worse, where I lived became seemingly less desirable as time went on. Loud parties ensued and walks to work were filled with shouts from cars and cat calling and it started to feel unsafe.

Throw on top of this my body failing from the stress and my Neurocardiogenic Syncope kicking in, everything felt like it began to crumble around me.

I couldn't do it anymore and so in October, whilst on the outside to anyone looking in, I was plodding along posting a makeup look per day, doing seemingly well for myself and getting noticed, inside I felt broken. If I look at those makeup looks now each one tells a story of my thoughts, offering an escape.

I finally braved it and explained my worries to my family and made the decision to move home.

I missed the countryside, the open air, the feeling of safety, walking freely in places I knew and loved. Friends at the end of a telephone and a short drive instead of miles away. Coffee shops on corners and sweet boutiques I could browse in for hours. I've never been a city girl and my heart has always longed for the countryside.

On the 30th November I moved home and it's probably the best decision I've made. So whilst my year might seem like a complete write off, inside I've learnt to be independent but know when it's time to seek help, I've pushed myself to take chances I never would have taken and I've finally learnt what I want from my life. While I don't know what 2017 holds, I look forward to the fresh slate that a new year brings and can't wait to see what's around the corner.

So here's to a new year, a growing me and new blank pages in the distance.

Until Next Time

B x

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