Someone once told me that after a break up, it takes you twice the time you were with someone to be truly over them. At the time I called bullshit, but two years on from my long term relationship, I’ve started to realise there may be some truth in it. Just recently I’ve found myself reflecting on my love life quite a lot. After failed dating and relationships since my long term one I’ve found myself wondering what I’m doing wrong and the reality is, nothing. 
It’s taken me until now to realise that time alone is worthwhile and whilst my friends around me are buying houses, getting married and having babies, it just isn’t my time. After some introspective thinking I’ve realised that I’ve carried a lot of hurt these last few years from the deceit in my last relationship, and a longing for love after a deeply hurtful rejection, for someone younger, maybe prettier and maybe more fun. I’m finally starting to feel like myself again. The wall lifting whenever I meet someone new. My guard is still there, for I won’t be taken as a fool like that again, but it’s slowly worked it’s way down brick by brick. This isn’t to say that I haven’t had nights of loneliness, of panic and sadness, wondering if life may just be this. Me and my cat in an eternal game of what shall we do tonight Bailey? To no reply. The realisation as you get older that you may never meet someone and your dreams of having a house and a family may become distant memories can be all too scary and difficult to ignore in the age of social media, but then you realise you have so many years of your life ahead and you’re sat here, pondering, wasting them. I’ve vowed to make Christmas a time of self discovery and the new year a clean slate. A year to work towards the things I’ve been yearning for with no distractions. After all this year I’ve won an award, been involved in some incredible brand collaborations and conquered a fear of travelling alone. All things I know I would have failed to have done should I have stayed in that relationship, those years ago. I wanted to write this post, because I know that I will not be alone in my thinking and that as Christmas draws in, the loneliness can feel intensified. I try now to fill my time with hobbies, working towards goals and spending time with my beautiful and supportive friends. I’ve rid myself of toxic people, be that in friendships or relationships and this will be the year of me. If you’re reading this and you feel the same, just know you’ve got this, maybe not today, maybe not even tomorrow, and that one day you’ll look back at this time and think what the hell was I even worried about. Until Next Time B x